Just Call Me Tinderella

Nothing quite says romance like the ability to swipe left or right on someones photo in approval, all from the convenience of your iPhone or Android device these days. But rest assured, even having an app on your phone will prove to make finding love difficult. In college, meeting guys was simple. It happened naturally. Well, for the most part. You’d get the details of a party happening Friday night and immediately confirm with a friend who would be arranging the Uber. Dig out the most uncomfortable, yet completely worth starving yourself to wear, kind of outfit that would be bringing all them boys to the yard. Mentally prepare yourself to wear those 4inch strappy heels that say “Im expensive, but seem like the perfect kind of shoes to drunk-giraffe walk through Greek Village in” when the night comes to an end. And then coordinate with the girls on where the Instagram worthy pre-game photos would be taken. When party time arrives, you strut yourself into some randoms apartment to the beat of “Trap Queen” or “Truffle Butter”, and you wait. Or maybe you’re slightly classier and at a party where something from The Weeknd is playing. But either way, you wait for the opposite sex to eye you from across the room, maneuver their way over, and strike up some form of a conversation that neither of you are actually able to hear nor will you remember the next day. But hey, that doesn’t matter! You’re meeting your soulmate here! By tomorrow you’ll be following each other on Twitter and sliding into the DMs.

Confession: None of this ever actually happened to me. I lived vicariously through my friends and sorority sisters, and the stories they told me over Waffle House at 2am when I was called to pick them up. And this was fine with me! I giraffe-walk soberly in flats, and my Instagram typically gets more “likes” on photos of my dog than it does of me. To be fair, she is a cute pup.. But what is a girl to do when she isn’t into the party scene, but on a quest for love? You guessed it. Tinder.

Now if for some reason you live under a 21st century rock, let me bring you up to speed here. Tinder is an online (well, on phone really) app that allows users to make a basic profile and view other profiles in their area individually. You’re shown a persons first name, age, some photos, and a small bio they’ve written. You can also view if you have any mutual friends on Facebook, but that gets to be scary because who knows who can be dangerous knowledge. You’re then presented with three options: Swipe the photo left (the dreaded X) if you’re not interested, swipe the photo right (the approval heart) if you’re interested, or hit that blue star in the middle to “super like” and prove you are in fact, super desperate. If the person you’ve swiped right on liked your face as well, “Congratulations! You have a new match!”, and the two of you are able to message back and forth.

I should probably also inform you that I consider myself quite the tinder expert, but also quite the tinder failure. With over 653 matches (look. . I’m bored a lot. Judge me.) you would think AT LEAST ONE of them turned out decent enough to pursue further or potentially change my Facebook relationship status for. But no. You got your hopes up. You thought wrong. And it’s fine, because I did too. However, because I’m feeling generous. . I’ll share with you some of my most favorite matches to date.

  • Minister #1: It’s completely normal to match with a guy on Tinder and three weeks later learn he has decided to “accept his calling”, right? Well that would be my experience with Minister #1. We matched, he seemed to not be a serial killer or have any weird fetishes, so I agreed to coffee. First date was fine, second one was about the same, but that third one?? MONUMENTAL. Why you may be asking? Because that’s when I was informed he’d met someone else. And unfortunately, I would not be able to compete with his mighty Lord and Savior. Sigh.
  • The Nudist: Everyone has weird ghosts in their past, but most peoples ghosts have clothes on. Or at least that was the understanding I had until this young fella came along. And boy was I not prepared for this one. He’d seemed normal, he really did. Worked a semi-steady job as a DJ, had his own apartment, and even a moderately cute cat. Decently looking guy and made me laugh before the coffee had kicked in, so he was doing pretty well in the beginning. But then Applebees half-priced apps changed EVERYTHING. There we were, sitting enjoying greasing cheap food in an over crowded Applebees, discussing why he’d left his previous city when my suspicion radar was turned on. He made a few weird comments and something seemed off.. so that night I did what any responsible woman of the dating age in a sorority does. I called a mandatory meeting to my dorm room with my sisters and we Google searched this boy. And I’d like to take this time now to pause and apologize to those sisters for what we had to see that night. But it appeared my new potential soulmate had a hobby of his own in the past that was FULLY documented online for the world to see. Shocked, slightly scared, and VERY concerned I immediately texted my new potential soulmate for an explanation. Because there had to be one right? Right. Okay. .  well there wasn’t. Instead he got weirded out that a bunch of women were googling him at 2am (normally, I’d agree but this was a CODE RED situation) and thought it be best if we saw other people.
  • Minister #2: It’s completely normal to match with a guy on Tinder and three DAYS later learn he has decided to “accept his calling”, right? Yep. You read that correctly. I managed to drive another man to the Good Lord once again. Honestly, I should start charging these religions a recruiting fee for my services. Now, one minister experience in college? Amusing. BUT TWO?! HOW WAS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?! But sure enough it was. We flirted the first 24 hours, spent the next 24 hours planning to have dinner, and then spent our final 24 hours researching local seminary programs together. . because I’m a nice person and apparently “really know how to talk while listening”. Please, just pour me a margarita now and lets move on.
  • Mr. Vroom Vroom: He was it. The One. I was sure. My Pinterest wedding board would finally be put to use. Or at least I thought it would be . . This gem had it all to me. Intelligent, witty, adventurous, and no kids! Was I dreaming? Was he real? He’d told me he worked in the transportation industry, was going back to school soon for a second degree, and had plans to save up some money for a downpayment soon. We met for dinner one night, and before going into the restaurant I noticed an Uber sticker on his car. I asked what that was doing there, to which he reminded me (yep, you already see it coming don’t you..) that he “worked in the transportation industry”. A quiet response of “oh” was about all I could manage to force to come out. I later learned over dinner that that downpayment he mentioned saving up for wasn’t for his own place like I’d originally thought. Oh no no, my friends. It was for a 2012 Toyota Corolla in silver. Apparently, he was needing an upgrade for “work”. I now no longer can use Uber in my college town due to the fear I have of being sent this man as my driver and having to relive that night once again.

Needless to say, I’ve had my fair share of interesting matches on Tinder. I like to think that with each failed tinder date, I increase my own screening process before meeting up with these men to be a little stricter. We’re currently at about 37 personal safety check questions one must pass before you’re even getting my number. And an additional 13 before my snapchat name is revealed. But what is always most entertaining to me are the opening lines some men take pride in sending to a complete stranger. Here are a few of my own personal favorites, that were saved for a moment just like this.

So as you can tell, dating and attracting the opposite sex in the year 2017 is truly thriving. With messages like these winning me over, it really is a mystery how I’m not married with 2 beautiful children by now. But I remain optimistic! When you’re in your 20s and unsure how to meet someone, Tinder seems like the only possible solution. Which is why almost 95% of us are on it. Well, that and to judge whomever else is on it. And yes, that comment was directed right at you, Starbucks Barista Matt, who since matching has always given me an extra shot of expresso for free when I roll through the drive-thru on Thursday mornings. You the real MVP and your secret is safe with me.

Keep on tindering, folks. Never know. Maybe one day you’ll reach 653 matches and have some stories to tell the online world from it as well. However, if he ever asks you to research local seminaries OR describes his occupation as one in the “transportation industry”. . .  ABORT MISSION AT ALL COSTS.